Again such a time has passed since my last blog. This must mean we are having greater periods of stability?
Since my last post regarding the horrendous discrimination she received on her cruise much has happened.
Both she and her boyfriend received a letter of apology and as compensation, a full refund of their cruise fare. I am disappointed that no correspondence from the cruise line ever came to me and that there does not seem to be any development regarding their policies and procedures, but that; I guess, is a battle for another time.
Sadly the relationship between my daughter and her boyfriend ended shortly after that holiday but she appeared to manage this well and has since taken another holiday (not a cruise this time) with her cousin to Bali. This was a really brave thing to do. I can only imagine the stress and anxiety that would have come with yet another trip to a warm country where her scars would be on show to everyone and her feelings of being judged. I’m pleased to say she had a terrific time and; apart from the usual exhaustion that comes from being on the go all the time, she had a fantastic time.
I’d like to think her mental health is improving with age and on the surface that is how it appears. But I am also concerned that perhaps she is just getting better at hiding her pain.
Certainly she’s matured to a point of far greater independence but I am concerned that with that she is less likely to reach for help because she feels she is older and should be managing independently.
I still notice the odd bandage or dressing on various points of her body and know full well these are signs that the self harm continues. I try so hard not to react to this, but I can not help but feel disappointed and slightly angry that this is the case. I should not be surprised given this has been a coping mechanism (albeit an unhealthy one) for most of her life.
I get so angry when others say things like ‘she looks so well’ As if to say ‘she must be all better’
They do not see these bandages or the constant retreat into her bedroom to sleep. They are not witness to the appalling eating habits as the weight falls off her. They do not lie in bed waiting for her to come home in the early hours of the morning after yet another night of an alcohol (and god knows what else ) binge, where upon she’s staggered home vomiting. They don’t have to support the tears and anxiety that comes with the constant flurry of disorganization, lost homework, lost keys, in trying to study 2 days a week. The endless spending of yet another binge of makeup and clothes that quietly pile up on the floor of her bedroom and bathroom.
So yes, upon the surface she does appear well. But scratch the surface and clearly this is not always the case. I know that many of these issues are what many parents contend with, but again these issues are so much greater when you have someone with BPD.
I continue to try and remind myself this is her story and I can not control it. Only she can learn from her mistakes. I only wish I didn’t have to be witness to so many of them.
I can only control how I choose to react and that my friends is a constant work in progress.